The following are required, for someone to win University of Ibadan Election
1. SUGARCOATED MOUTH: for you to win any office, you must be able to touch uites’ heart with your sugarcoated mouth. You must be able to control people’s emotions (especially girls) with your voice…. Do I have that sha?? NOT SURE!
2. CATCHY AWARENESS MESSAGES: as soon as you start nursing uisu ambition, you shouldn’t rely on your own intellectual ability to compose any message, or else, uites won’t read it. They only appreciate quotes….. May be that’s why we often expect so much from the excos…..
3. POSTERS: your victory at any uisu office depends solely on how beautiful your poster is. You must find a crazy graphic designer, or else, don’t expect vote from female halls…. I don’t think I have enough money to print fine posters anyway?
4. FINE FACE: if you are a guy, you have to be handsome. If you are handsome, then you don’t need to meet some girls. Your pictures will do the campaign.
If you are a beautiful lady, just make sure you place your banners at male halls. Though u still have to let them see you….
And, how do you expect me to contest when am not handsome?
5. RESPECT: whether you are older or younger, everybody must turn to “my oga”…..
If you want to win, you must start greeting uites like;
- heyyy oga mi sir??
- chairman mi I hail oh
- baba na u oh
- boss mi I dey ur hand oh
- baba how jacking dey go now?
- aunty mi, you are Welkom ma
- sister hope you are good.etc
Meanwhile, On a normal day, you go greet Dem like, “hava nah?”
6. BE FAKE: if you keep maintaining your original character, you may not win uisu election…. (That, I can never do)
Your voice must be fake
Your intonation must change
Your clothes must either be borrowed or new ones
Your hall of residence must change from male to female’s or vice versa
You must buy new shoes which you wouldn’t have eagerly bought on a normal day.
Every girls should become ur girlfriend and every guys must be referred to as boo
You must start hugging everyone even if you don’t hug before
even Your name must be “tushly” pronounced…
Everything about you must just change
I would rather sit down than changing my character
7. INSINCERITY : as soon as people know that you have ambition, you will have to stop being sincere in you judgments. Your judgment must Favour the party that would give you more supports. You would have to stop being straight forward in most situations, so that u won’t hurt any supporter …..
I dey craze? Why would I make you happy at my conscience’s expense?
8. WHATSAPP GROUP: you must have, not just one but many WhatsApp groups.
One for general
One for loyalists
One for potential slyers
One for strategists
One for media gurus
And so on
You must continue begging every member of the group to be patient and not leave the group
You must not complain that their messages are much
I cannot win because I no get time for nonsense… The little time Wey I get Sef, na buy I buy ham for café.
9. JINGLE: If your jingle is danceable and interesting, it will win you, even, opponent’s heart.
Just go and play it when girls are about to sleep and wake them up with it. they easily cram jingles then…..
– Odesola o, na my person
– emmyringer eh eh eh
– vote for chidinma se u don jasi
– We must to vote for bow
– aluta is struggle president Wey no dey fumble, Ahh speaker
– Na sope we carry come (kiss Daniel)
-Everybody vote for Nifemi eh ha
– say k’cent say korreti o, o oh o, woos woos korret
Me I cannot come and go and kill myself because of jingle jare…
10. MEDIA BULLY: This is actually what I love most. But I cannot do it while am still contesting ….
You have to set up some guys who can cause traffic on social media, and who can attack any propaganda with suitable response…….
But I can’t just fold my hands and be looking without bullying too…
11. GRAMMAR: You must be grammatically sound . your use of words must be applaudable. When you speak at the manifesto ground, the crowd should love it…
If I hear say I sabi english??????
12. PATIENCE: that same patience you exercise when mosquito lands on your testicle must be exercised when dealing with uites.
Some girls would hiss at you
Some guys would yab you
Some people would make jest of you
Some will tell you that u can never win….hmmmm
Whatever they say, you must still tolerate them..
If I hear say I tolerate.???